I’ve always believed that in times of joy my words leave like the summer turns to fall so fast I can barely blink. Possibly due to the fact that I’ve had much less than happy times in my life than joyful ones. That is why my words feel like the waves of the great Pacific Ocean. Over and over, forming stunning white caps of pain, struggle, and wreckage. The muse has been many times over…sorrow, confusion, and abandonment.
Yet now, the sun shines. A dark heart that is usually completely laden is light, lifted into the blue bliss that you see when you awake from a long slumber. For me, this view is rare forcing me to find gratitude opposed to anger, aggression, and loss.
Sunbeams blind me and in that, I cover my eyes yet still feel the peace of a thousand blue skies and sunlight mornings.
So why have I found that I’ve lost my words in times of such rare…peace?
Searching through the dark basement of my cavern of vocabulary I find my Joy sealed in a box covered with cobwebs and fear of repercussions. Afraid, I open it with more fervor than I’ve ever had. I fear to see a contentment that I’ve never felt, yet kept at bay for fear of eternal repeats of the past pain I’ve felt. I rip open the sealed box to the point of ache just to see inside.
As the brilliant yellow light filters into the dusk overtaking it, despite my reluctance, the dark cemented hole in my world implodes into a brilliance of light, color, ultimately manifesting into an array of my very best friends in the world. In that moment they find me yet again…My Words….everywhere with open arms of need and an earnest to express more than just the sorrow I’ve felt, yet explode the joy I have inside me that now runs through my veins. A brilliance that needs to implode the world as prophetically as my turmoil has. My Joy comes to the forefront. It takes away the darkness, with a glimpse of the sunlight on my face and in that the verbiage flows from me…that of…Acceptance.
Unconditional Acceptance: Ten years in the arms of my gift in this life, my husband Alan has come to pass. We’ve lived through the very best and the deepest of worst. Loved deeper and felt further than our minds could have imagined ten years past. Tonight he said to me, “Even though we had no idea, God was doing all of this far before we knew Him.” Enough said.
Deep Acceptance of myself: Flaws and all. In’s and out’s. Great things about me, and terrible ones, I can somehow now miraculously embrace. The highs and lows of living with Bipolar Disorder can bring one to a place of confusion and ultimate self-doubt. One of the gifts I’ve been given recently is to just rest. Love me through it all. Highs and lows. Ebbs and flows, God somehow produces greatness for Him and manifests in ways I could never explain.
Unthinkable Acceptance of Forgiveness: Recently in my journey, I have been able to forgive things done to me that I could have never been set free without the power of deep intervention. A darkness that has blinded me, incapacitated and imprisoned me for years, I’ve let it go. I completely have allowed it to fly away from me a few weeks ago as several hands were laid on me in a union of prayer and healing. Forgiving the trespassers against me has ultimately allowed the inner demons haunting me to be set free and allowing the Son to shine upon me in a way that I could actually see it.
Acceptance of things I can’t Comprehend: Losing my two babies has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to endure. My husband tells me I’m beautiful when I’m crying for them. I take that in, as I will always mourn Jaden and Zac. I accept the loss as part of who God intended me to be. Yet in that, He has given me a gift of how to accept the beauty we are given after the storm. For me, it’s a beautiful little girl with my eyes and dreams of her own past the stars. I rocked her to sleep tonight deeply taking in the acceptance of the beauty of things I couldn’t understand as I stood at the gravesites of my lost baby boys. But now I hold a gift I never dreamed I’d have. A daughter.
In closing, I’ve been proven wrong. Words can flow in times of Joy. The author inside of me is always at work, banking each and every emotion, echoing hardship yet also unforeseeable beauty. It’s all mine to keep and bring to life forevermore.
My muse is life itself. In all its many faces, in times of turmoil, but now…I proclaim a season of JOY!