2018 was a year of light shining on my face that ignited sparks that brought my bones to life and my heart to heights it never has seen before. I said “I do” again to the love of my life, but this time with God at the center of our union. In the pristine green of our backyard, flowers abound, we recited vows in the form of poetry. Our eyes melted into one another as our beloved Pastor declared us once again one, made new by the promise of not only our words uniting us deep beyond the throws of this life but by the name of the One we chose to serve now. White blended with light and we called ourselves into each other again, never feeling more close.
Then the wave hit. Tsunami is more like it, a tidal wave of anxiety, fear, and false prophecies fell all over me like the like the storm that kills has the ability to do. I feared for my health, our future and my sanity as bad thing after bad thing came to shore. I took it on, felt the weight of it on me like a million pounds crushing me in the darkness I chose to lie in. I knew we’d be hit hard by the enemy in taking the steps in our marriage to make it all good at the foot of the streets of gold, but this kind of war I didn’t see coming. It hit hard and fast and made me feel like I was drowning in my own blood. I was lost in fear and couldn’t sleep or be awake for that matter. It was a dark and scary spiral downwards that happened slowly but swift all in the same breath. I was slowly losing myself again, a road I have traveled more than I’d like to admit. Spiritual warfare at its most terrifying and vivid readiness was knocking on my door and I welcomed in without asking who was at the door first.
The end of 2018 kept me wanting to find my way back to the light and a healing prayer at church on the last Sunday of the year called me up for that very thing, hope. I walked up after the altar call and found myself standing in front of a Pastor who knew my deep struggles the least. I hated that it wasn’t one of the ones who knew my dark fight within and that I had to repeat it out loud. I despised that I had to be bare in front of him, for I knew that he respected me and thought I was someone who loves to serve her church and cares deeply and writes fluidly. He had no idea. Of the dark fight within myself. With tears in my throat barely allowing me to speak, I let him in. I told him I was fighting a war that I didn’t want to fight again. That I was a scared little girl who had a hard go at life and still is waging such a battle. My demons were back and are in full force waging their war against me, his eyes shifted, my hands trembled and then we closed our eyes to pray.
Words flew from his mouth as fast as tears poured from my eyes. My body slumped over as a tree branch does in late fall when it has no more fight in it to give up all its leaves to the dead cold ground calling them its own. I navigated humility and left it all there in this Pastors ability to touch the foot of God and allowed myself to hear what I needed to hear. That I lack belief in myself that I fear accepting grace, that I need to not wear myself thin on generational curses of depression, anxiety, and addiction. He cited words that I knew didn’t come from him, ones that came from a Light so bright I had to close my eyes so deep to not fall, yet opened them wide just so I could meet a glance at it. Awkwardly, we breathed in the same air, yet perfectly a message was given to me because he was allowing God to move through the darkness deep into my soul. It didn’t matter that there were a hundred people behind me in line for prayer for healing. The rest of the world didn’t exist as we waited on God to break extremely strong chains of darkness that I had let myself succumb to.
I am a figure skater. I am an author. I’m a lover of God, light, my husband and my children. I breathe in love like it is my last air to suck deep into my soul and late in 2018 I had allowed black dark anxiety to overtake it all. Faith was replaced with fear and I was slipping back into habits I have fought so hard to overcome. My darling husband stands by me through all of life’s joys and tribulations and not even him could lift me from the demise of myself. The sweet voices of my four beloved children couldn’t protect me from the inner fear that my life had no way of working out because of my choices. But in that moment I realized that I do have a choice to give in or to fly free from the bondage of my inner struggles. To heal those parts inside of me that tells me I’m not worthy or good enough. I can choose to be set free if I believe if I allow God in and let the blinding storms to flee from me like a spring storm that gives in to summers soft winds.
I’ve been teaching my two younger children to skate, a sport near and so dear to my soul and in that, I’ve been back on the ice myself for the first time in six years. Figure skating has given me in the past the ability to glide into the possibility and fly into the unknown. In this sport I fall, it hurts so bad as my body finds itself on the cold splintering ice, but has the ability to make me soar as I lift my body up and try again. Glade backward then forwards swiftly into an elegance that perfects mind, body, and soul. This past weekend I attempted my best move that I always showcased in the ice shows. It’s called a spiral where I glide on one leg while perfectly lifting my other leg far above my head, holding it there as I make my way across the crystal clear ice. My leg wasn’t as high, my mind wasn’t as clear but my body found itself there again in a bounty so purely put there by God that it felt like I was flying. Far above the pain, the regret and the fear that was plaguing me back there again to that place that steals my joy. Skating gives me back my strength and reminds me of God’s grace. That I don’t deserve to be able to glide on one foot and make beautiful music with my body on ice that one usually falls on. That is life. We aren’t always able to make beauty out of what should be faceplanted, but when we train hard, equip ourselves to glide we can grasp what God wants for our lives. A beautiful spiral upward far beyond what we could ever imagine. I jump into 2019 expectant of the veil being torn, the bleakness being lifted and a return to Joy that I’ve been chasing for months now.
Upward I go, into the unknown, I fly knowing that life will be hard again and I will falter, but that God has plans for this girl and those plans involve me knowing He is there deeper than I can ever see. He wants me to breathe in His forgiveness and presence in my life deep into the edge I make on the ice with my blade, with my life.