I am about to share with you something that will probably shock you to your core. Words that have been spoken to me since I can recall until now are that I, in fact, talk too much. I know, it is a major confession. Yet, in the midst of a really great church service today, Pastor Kevin spoke on what I seem to excel at…words. A power exists within the linguistic ability to build up or destroy. Our inner moral code is formulated with what comes out of our mouths and what can be detrimental the words we tell ourselves that believe we truly are.
Absorbing every word of our beloved pastor had to share on the power of words I both felt great appreciation for my gift, yet a deep burden. I have both the gift of spoken and written word…what a responsibility! My heartbeat slowed, my air flow swallowed as I gasped in the great knowledge of what God has called for me in this life. Like a sword that is in your hands and you can either lift up or chastise. You have that much power. Yet, we all do. The wordsmith isn’t the only one held accountable to such a duty. We all are.
I almost didn’t go to church today. After battling on Saturday a day of depression that I haven’t had to face in a while, the kind where I could barely get myself out of bed. Saturday, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep, find some kind of peace in nonexistence. Faces danced in my mind of my children, my blessings, my God who has always been faithful, and my husband, my dear wonderful blessing of a husband who loves me so…and even so…I wanted to disappear. An imbalance in the brain, circumstantial, environmental, abusive past, all things prelude to such an illness. The words of others telling me I’m weak to not trust God for healing blared in my silence as I tried to do anything but sleep. In that moment, that precipice of time, His hand reached down and caressed my hair like my mom used to do when I was sick. He said it wasn’t my faith in His ability to heal me that was lacking, it was my trust in Him that He hasn’t healed me is what I needed to cling to. He gave me a vision of why I’m where I am. Sometimes we aren’t healed. People die of diseases that they don’t deserve, and more so, they live with illness’s that holds them back from the better part of themselves because of a purpose. God told me my purpose was clear. And it is my words.
I drifted off to sleep, thankfully. My dreamland brought me to a place where I was speaking in front of a group of young women. All suffering from…depression. A door opened and I walked through it, even though in my dream I could barely keep my head up, my eyes open and my body afloat. What I saw were sixty, maybe eighty eyes on me begging for hope, for an answer. For enlightenment. Digging deep into my life experience, pain, torture, lack of want to go on, I walked on the stage and told my story.
Women’s lives were somehow touched. Because of my pain, not my immediate healing. My journey through the perils of grief, abandonment, abuse, loss, addiction, fear, love, joy, birth, re birth, loss, loss, loss lives were forever touched….I woke up with a gasp of air that filled me full and left me okay with not being healed today. For healing comes in so many different forums. Sometimes our closure to the vice that hunts us down is simply helping others who are walking in the shoes we had to navigate tough territory in.
I almost didn’t go to church today because I’m battling a big go at depression. Somehow, I got up, dressed, put some makeup on so I wouldn’t scare anyone, and gathered my family to Journey Church. Walking into the place where it is easy to find and experience God my husband and I ran into Pastor Kevin. I told him, “I’m so excited about this service.” He smiled, humbly as he always does, and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. In that moment I wondered if he knew if I almost didn’t come.
Words flowed, from a wordsmith to a wordsmith. Taking notes as fast as I could process I realized that my polarity is huge when it comes to my words. Sure, I write books, blogs, speak, but I am so very capable of the polar.
I have gossiped. Slandered. Cussed. Been blasphemous. I have. Usually depending on my polarity or the reach of where I chose to hang my hat. Folks I surround myself with, words I acquire into my vocabulary. They can be either earth shattering beautiful, or God-forsakenly hurtful.
Colorful and smart the parrot knows this better than any of us. Mimicking who is dancing in front of her, she speaks the words, repeats the actions because it is all she knows. Yet, we as followers of Christ know that we chose who we polarize ourselves to. When we surround ourselves in darkness we speak….way more crass than we would in the light.
In the sunshine, we encourage, build up, bring peace and open the door of opportunity of God to move.
I have been the enemy’s parrot. Speaking ill words of people who have done me wrong, spreading gossip, true or untrue, somehow giving me a high that is straight from the pit of hell.
I have been God’s parrot. Shouting from the mountain tops His love, promise, hope even in the face of depression, abandonment and abuse.
The takeaway and the burden of my heart this week is that when we speak kindly, even against those who we feel don’t deserve it God will shine, those around us will be blessed, and we will be at ease. No, we aren’t Jesus. We can’t be, but we can try. It is our calling to Fight so hard to act as He did, and strive to be the better part of us that He is in the process of formulating.
Words are monumental and in ways we are all parrots, repeating our surroundings and giving what we are given. Chose light, love, joy, freedom, and repeat.
Repeat. Repeat Love.