I am imperfect. We all are. Yet I feel social media is the perfect medium to allow our imperfect beings to show a false reality of what we really want to be seen…I admit it, right here, right now I fall into this category. In the depths of loving the selfie taking, word choice moments that may have formed an unrealistic vision of who I really am, I want to call myself out, to let you see a glimpse of true reality.
I’m sorry if you feel lied to but this is really who I am…
1. A divorced woman. Yup. I failed at marriage the first go around. Indeed, my ex and I are still friends, we chose kindness not hate. But we are still not one. We are left nothing but..painfully divorced as a couple. Leaving my two older sons with a mom and dad who didn’t keep to our original marriage vows, who are scattered amongst the wreckage of the rest of the world.
2. I am an author. I get to tell amazing stories for a living. Yet in order to do so, I have lived a lifetime of hardships that allow my words to flow from my ache-ridden heart the way that they so fluently do.
3. I have lived with a painful eating disorder. I have posted pictures of a skinny skeleton of myself from my past with a story of the torture that comes with being so thin. There is always at least one in the crowd who tells me how “great” I looked. Yes, it looks great to live on 400 calories a day and to succumb to the pain that comes with the pressures of perceived perfection.
4. I have no clue what I want to be in this life…still. I’m 41 years old and have no idea what I’m going to be when I grow up. Most women at my age can identify with being a stay at home mom, or having a career. I am still in-between and after a few unpredicted situations of having to take a late stand in life against abusive people, I am still finding out just who I am and where I am supposed to be.
5. I have a child who is leaving and one who is just starting out. My oldest son of four children is getting ready to go to college and I am so very proud, beyond belief! Yet, accepting he is leaving my nest is more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I want to chase after him every time he comes home this last year he is under my roof and give him one last hug, just in case he should forget what it feels to have my arms wrapped around his neck. Yet…I have a baby girl who I have dreamed of having my whole life who is just three years old. She is just starting out, the breath of life is fresh and every new discovery is a light in her eye. As much as I embrace it, there are times I wonder what it would be like to be simply saying goodbye to the teenager who begs for freedom, not starting all over again. A sign that we are never truly content with what we have, are we?
6. Depression, it hunts me down when I least expect it. Ins and outs. Ebbs and flows. It always finds me. End of story.
7. I’m a figure skater. I always wanted to be on the ice, and made the dream come true at the age of 30. But by choice not by recognition of simply wanting to be something I wasn’t. And I’ve fallen more than I’ve landed. I have more bruises than pretty dresses. Anything worth while comes with hard work that is unthinkable to most…
8. I have a love-hate relationship with any form of alcohol. Being an ultra-controlling Virgo, I absolutely hate the idea of anything controlling me. Submersed in the freeing feeling of one too many martinis I have to ask myself, is this where I really want to be? Numbing the difficult day away, or truly feeling it through good times and bad? Scrolling along on social media all we see is ways “wine” is the only solution to a difficult day, yet is that really any kind of a solution?
9. I don’t speak to my father. Because it is healthy. And that alone hurts. Way more than I ever lead on.
10. My husband and I aren’t perfect. We take date night selfies. We post our dinner recipes for the night, and show you our children’s pretty faces, but please know that we do fight. We clash. We are at odds, more than we’ll ever let you know. But if anything in my life that is imperfect, my marriage is the one thing I’m the most proud of because no matter how flawed I am, no matter how much I struggle to find balance, my husband chases that dream with me. And he perfects my imperfections with his own struggle, and he forces me to see my beauty more than any single human being ever has. Simply what we all truly need in this life is that one person who has our back. And that is what I don’t say enough on social media, that I’m flawed, I hurt, but through it all, I have a partner who is too. He holds my hand and says, “we will make it through the struggle…together.”