Being me, “Ami Beth Cross” at times totally sucks. Think of a perfect pristine piece of glass. You see right through it, not hiding anything it lets you see the other side of whatever it may block. Yup, that’s me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, another thing that completely is a buzz kill about being me. You know how I feel when I’m in the trenches. Also when I’m filled with more joy than I can handle. I’m real. I’m here. And I don’t care what the world thinks….
Okay, not so quick….
Of course, I care what the world thinks. I may be this big ball of exploding life in front of your face, sometimes so exuberant you pray to God you don’t see me again, but yes I have feelings. Deep, deep feelings. I, in fact, want people to like me, accept me, laugh when I joke and cry when I cry.
You see, I have been deeply rejected in my life. As a child and an adult by my very own parents, the people who made me held me as a baby, and I’m sure had hopes and dreams for me. But “I” wasn’t enough, my smile didn’t do it, my cries for unconditional love wasn’t enough. When I hear that the world rejects me it hurts on a deeper level than, “people are mean and immature.” It resonates in my spirit where I was formed as a child and felt rejection at a very young age.
Recently I’ve gone through something that both gives me confirmation that I’m doing the right thing, and an aching in my heart that tells me I’m worthless, unlovable, and expendable. Unfortunately, the dark emotions usually win the battle in my mind confirming the reason my dad could reject me. If your parents can’t love you, then who can’t?
I’ve been told that I am a show boat, a facade, a joke, someone who everyone around them finds completely obnoxious and annoying. As much as these words cut right through my heart, I wiped the tears off of the sleeve where my emotions stay and thought, “how awful it must have been for Jesus to be convicted of a crime He didn’t commit?”
As I complain about typical drama and gossip of this world that is never truly truthful, my mind fluctuates to my Lord who not only endured a false accusation but a death that is unimaginable. All I have to do is suck it up and know in my heart that my true friends love me, see me, and take in my intentions. I make mistakes. I hurt the people I love, I am in fact, unlike Jesus, flawed. The world that hates me for my joy is the same place that nailed Him to a cross, the land that beats me down despite me begging for forgiveness for my transgressions, is the same soil that flogged our King and nailed Him to a cross.
Revelations such as this make my situation seem small and also propelling. If people of this world despise my joy, I am doing what I’m called to do. The enemy attracts to what he knows we fear the most. For me it is acceptance. When I face ridicule I navigate back to a place where I was a child begging for love and willing to do anything to confirm such. God tells me that I am in the Light, and He is my acceptance and Love.
If Jesus could die on a cross for who He was and what He had to do for all of us, I can suck it up and move forward despite a few people who want to tear me down. I can rise above and become the Difference Maker that makes the masses uncomfortable, yet what was predestined to be my gift to make others embrace a failing emotion of our times, JOY!