I did it twice yesterday, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I really don’t.
Compulsion screams at me the need to get rid of it all, but deep inside I ask of what more I could be if I didn’t want to do it anymore?
Looking out at the perfect sea, on a sunset meant for me to see, I beg for redemption from the white caps that beacon me home. Into the white foam of perfection that the world screams that I must be.
My stomach rolls.
Fullness takes over. A need to rid. To be done with all the turmoil, takes over.
Why, oh why do I feel this way, I ask, finding my way to the closest bathroom. Where is it., where is my reprieve? Where can I give back what was given to me in vain? The replenishment that I do not deserve, I must give it back to the sea that somehow brought it to me.
I don’t want to do it. It hurts, and makes my eyes water like when I cry so deeply my heart feels as if it could combust.
Yet I find myself at the brinks of the floor, cold and alone, as if my knees were bleeding on the sterile cold tile.
Full and alone.
Feeling as if I need to be empty because that is the the way I need to be. Stripped of goodness and life.
I grab the steel cold toilet seat to turn it up so I can meet my destiny. Tears prickle at the forefront of my barrier even though they aren’t supposed to come yet. Not just yet.
A sound comes from nowhere, from across the sea. Far from this land calling out. A cast that needs me more than I need to flow from my pain.
Wind blows, and somehow a truth makes way, from burden into my being. \
The whisper says, “cry no more. Bleed not, for I have done so in your name. Take your hand and lift it up instead of putting it down your throat. I suffered so you can see the light not the darkness you are pledging for in this hour.”
Wind blows. Faith beacons, and I have no choice but to take His hand instead of using it to hurt myself further.
Grace saved me tonight. I don’t want to do it anymore, across the sea, into forever my pain is His and His faithfulness is my greatest prize.
This is where I decide. The rising tide forging its anger, or the Promise of forever that He paid on my behalf, a choice that I have to make.
Feelings are fleeting and are easy to rid of in the turmoil of the water of the chrome oval object in front of me. Do I want an easy way out, or the way to redemption?
Take my hand.
I take HIs hand and come with Him…past the rough of the sea and feelings of abandon.
Off my knees I stand, perfect in His love and sacrifice. Knowing I don’t have to give myself the punishment I feel I deserve as His price was paid twice enough.
His punishment was paid twice enough.