The new life is beautiful, really it is.  Raw emotion meets me at every corner and that isn’t a bad thing.  Things that had been dulled before are now bright, poignant and powerful.  

Life has new meaning, it encompasses more joy than it has…really ever.  Even before my first encounter with Christ because now in my 40’s I have lived enough life to know what to appreciate.  I don’t take a second for granted.

Or do I?

Two weeks of sobriety met me with open arms full of new experiences God had been bottling up for me to embrace when I was ready.  And I found that I was finally truly living.

But I found myself tired and not as “exciting” I was before.

Let us now check “before.”  

Was it real?  No.

Authentic?  Nope.

Guarded?  Yes.

A facade?  Absolutely.

So why?  Why did I fear the “me” of freedom and find myself wanting to run back into the arms of a crutch that came with a grim reaper knocking on my door at any given moment?

When I was living in the haze of an alcohol numbing existence I hated myself.

When i was living and breathing the life God had planned for me, I found myself…hating myself.

The core issue is….self-loathing.

But why?

To the average eye, I’m a successful author, loving mother, adoring wife and a smiley Christian who loves to serve and show up.  Peel away the layers and you’ll find a dark and much more grim picture.

 

I’m a fatherless daughter.  All because my dad had a better option.  I’m not  his “pick.”  

My mom and I have a very complicated relationship.  She is everything I’ve always wanted but something I’ve never had enough of.  

As much as I block out the pain of feeling like an adult version of an orphan when I look in the mirror I see both of their faces looking back at me saying,

“You aren’t good enough for us to love.  Therefore you are…unloveable.”  

The single greatest act of love I’ve ever experienced is being a mother to my six babies, four here on earth and two in heaven.  My heart bleeds for them, aches, grows, shines, and adores every breath they take.  So my question is if I feel such abandon for my own children how can my parents not feel that for me?

My conclusion is that I must not be good enough.

We give ourselves what we think we deserve.  If we “think” we deserve failure we will stuff that idea down our throats.  No matter the consequences or pain.  The result can be deafening to the ears and eyes of those that love the person who punishes themselves on a daily basis.

No one wants to turn to alcohol and drug abuse.  I know it is a bold statement and I may be wrong, but just as the over shopper wanders home with too many items or the over eater feels guilty after a meal went awry, or the gossiper said the wrong thing about someone they actually love, no one chooses a coping mechanism.  They cling to it.

I cling to a numbing fuel that propels me to pause and feel false comfort because in the darkness  I cannot bear to experience the feeling of unlove.

///Psalm 68:5///

Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Lift up a song for Him who rides through the deserts, Whose name is the LORD, and exult before Him.5A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation.

Yet in the darkness can I truly feel LOVE?  We all know the answer is no, but why do I have such a hard time embracing the reality that God wants me, just me, only me.  Not me plus some antidote that has false promises of a better version of me.

I’ll tell you why.  It’s because if my earthly parents don’t want me, don’t seek me. Love me unconditionally.  Therefore I hate the version of me that I feel they hate.  I disparage all the good long enough to allow the enemy in to tell me that I’m not worth the kingdom He has promised me.

Do they hate me?  No, of course not.  But do they fight for me?

No.  They do not.

Does God fight for me?

Absolutely.

Is He perfect?

Indeed.

Is He all I need?  Of course.

But am I weak at knowing such?  Of course.  

Am I disillusioned as to what to block out and what to take in?  Yes!  Hence the draw to not only numb the bad times but also the overwhelming good ones as well.

I’m on a very precious journey that takes time, faith, and a lot of acceptance to venture on.  I have to accept the flaws of my past, including my heritage yet embrace the lineage of my future, which as we all know is pure perfection.

I turn away from powers that beg me to come to them, to take the loaded gun and point it straight at my head and pull the trigger.  

I hold tight to the blood that took it all yet gave it all, and a promise that loves me unconditionally and wholly no matter what.